[The episode begins with a close-up of Squidward's soufflé on an oceanic sunset background.]
Squidward: Wow. Squidward, this is the best soufflé you have ever created. [blows kiss] Congratulations, chef!
[Squidward gets dressed, takes a shower, gargles, and brushes his teeth. He re-enters the scene in a tuxedo with his hairpiece and sits down at the table. He hears SpongeBob giggling from outside. As Squidward is about to taste the soufflé, he hears Patrick and SpongeBob giggling from outside. Squidward goes to the window and notices that SpongeBob and Patrick are at his backyard playing with bubbles. SpongeBob whispers into a bubble and it floats over to Patrick and pops.]
SpongeBob Bubble: Hi, Patrick.
[Patrick giggles and blushes coyly, then as he was about to blow a bubble. He eats the bubble and whispers into another bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob where it pops.]
Patrick Bubble: Hi, SpongeBob.
[SpongeBob giggles and Squidward, now annoyed, notices a liquid coming from his soufflé, pours it into a bowl and starts rapidly stirring the liquid with a fork until it becomes bubbly. Meanwhile, outside, SpongeBob whispers into another bubble.]
SpongeBob: [whispering into bubble] Patrick, you're my best friend in the whole neighborhood.
[The scene cuts to Squidward's back window as he finishes stirring the liquid, and blows a bubble with it through the fork. Squidward's bubble is approached by SpongeBob's bubble, grows a leg, and kicks SpongeBob's bubble, thus popping it. Squidward's bubble floats over to Patrick and pops.]
Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Patrick, you are the dumbest idiot it has ever been my misfortune to know.
[Patrick frowns and blows a bubble, sending it over to SpongeBob.]
Patrick Bubble: Do you really think that, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: [whispering into the bubble] Of course, Patrick. Anyone with eyes can see that.
[The bubble floats over to Patrick and pops, followed by another bubble floating back over to SpongeBob.]
Patrick Bubble: Yeah? Well, I think you're ugly. [another bubble comes over and pops] Yellow is ugly! [two other bubbles, but smaller, float over and pops, both containing raspberry noises for SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [talks into the bubble, puzzled] Patrick, what are you talking about?
[The bubble floats over to Patrick. Another of Squidward's bubbles floats over to SpongeBob and pops.]
Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you.
[SpongeBob gasps.]
Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] You give bottom dwellers a bad name.
[Squidward creates several other bubbles and they float over to SpongeBob.]
Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!
[Squidward chuckles. Another bubble floats over to Patrick.]
Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Hey, Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!
Patrick: [furiously stands up and angrily yells at SpongeBob] Then that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!
SpongeBob: [furiously stands up and angrily yells at Patrick] Yeah, well, that means that, uh... so are you!
Patrick: Right, you're a turkey!
SpongeBob: What's that?
[Squidward arrives outside with a lawn chair and his soufflé.]
Patrick: It's what you are!
SpongeBob: Well, you're a bigger one!
Patrick: Why, you're still yellow! And do you know what else is yellow?
SpongeBob: What?!
[Squidward begins to laugh hysterically at SpongeBob and Patrick's arguing.]
Patrick: You are!
SpongeBob: Yeah?! Well, it doesn't matter what you call me, 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway! [furiously goes inside through the back door and angrily turns around] Aww, tartar sauce! [angrily shuts the door, some houses in the background briefly jump of their foundations]
[Patrick angrily opens his rock, which closes and comes up sounding like an accordion. Squidward laughs at him, puts the soufflé and fork in his mouth and continues laughing, and moves his tentacles around in laughter, then lies back in laughter. Suddenly, he accidentally swallows the fork and choking on it and chokes on the fork repeatedly. His skin turns to a deep shade of blue as the letters "K" and "O" appear in his right eye and left eye respectively and flashes appear. Squidward passes out drooling.]
Patrick: Wow, Squidward, you're choking! [runs over to Squidward] Uh... uh, I know what to do, but I should wash my hands first. Oh, well. [takes a deep breath and performs CPR on Squidward. As he is doing this, each one of Squidward's tentacles suction cups pops up. Eventually, the fork comes out and Patrick catches it] I win!
Squidward: Wow, Patrick! You saved me!
Patrick: I did?
Squidward: Yup! You're a real lifesaver, friend! [shakes Patrick's hand]
Patrick: Friend? [shakes Squidward] Friend...
Squidward: [uneasily] Yeah, Patrick, we're friends... [steps back] just friends. [they both notice SpongeBob is gazing from his window with a blank stare]
Patrick: So what are we gonna do tonight, best friend? [grabs Squidward over to Squidward's Easter Island Head house]
Squidward: Well, I was going to practice my clarinet solo.
Patrick: Clarinet? I love music!
[Inside the pineapple, SpongeBob watches the two go inside Squidward's house.]
SpongeBob: Ahh, who needs them? They're no fun anyway, right, Gary? [Gary is inside his shell] Gary? [knocks on his shell three times, it sounds hollow]
[Cut to Squidward's house.]
Squidward: Squidward will be performing his version of "Solitude in E Minor."
Patrick: [sitting on a bench while clapping] Yeah! E minor! All right! Yeah!
[Squidward takes a deep breath and plays two notes, but Patrick immediately falls asleep and snores, to the annoyance of Squidward. Scene now cuts back to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Ah, what am I worried about? I've got plenty of friends! I can name three right off the bat! [holds up three fingers] Uhh...
[SpongeBob draws faces on each finger with a broken smile.]
SpongeBob: The gang's all here... [looks at the faces on his fingers, and his eyes well with tears] Ohhh!
[Meanwhile, Squidward is angrily dragging Patrick, who is still asleep, outside. Suddenly, after a few feet, his back gives out.]
Squidward: Oh-ho! Oh! My back! Ah! I threw out my back!
SpongeBob: [sees Squidward in pain] Oh, boy, now's my chance! [jumps out of the window]
Squidward: SpongeBob? No, no, no, stay back!
SpongeBob: [running] Don't worry, Squidward! I'm coming!
Squidward: No, no, no, get...get away from me!
SpongeBob: Hang on! I'll save you! [rips off his suit revealing a speedo underneath]
Squidward: [tries to get to his door] No, no, no, no, no! Get away from me! No, no!
SpongeBob: [jumps off a diving board] Hold on!
Squidward: No, no! Get away! [screams as SpongeBob dives into his back cracking it back into place] Oh! I'm ruined! I'm... I'm... I'm... I-I feel great! Thanks, SpongeBob! You're a real friend!
[SpongeBob smiles wide in glee.]
SpongeBob: Friend...
Squidward: N-no, no, no, I didn't mean that, no-no.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Squiddy, old pal. That's what friends are for. [grabs Squidward over to Squidward's house]
[Bubble transition to a view of Patrick's, Squidward's, and SpongeBob's houses. SpongeBob and Squidward are inside Squidward's house.]
SpongeBob: So dumb Patrick fell asleep on ya, huh? Some friend. A real friend would perform for you!
Squidward: You play?
SpongeBob: Are you kidding? I've been playing bassinet for years! [takes a cello from the wall] Give me an A, buddy!
[Squidward plays a note and SpongeBob sings.]
SpongeBob: ♪ Squidward is my best friend in the world / [grates the strings with the bow, irritating Squidward] Squidward is my best friend in the sea... ♪
[The bow flies into what looks like Squidward's head and he screams. Fortunately, it turns out it's just a painting; the real Squidward furiously pulls the bow out and angrily growls as he violently snaps it in half with his knee.]

Video game Patrick: [screaming while flying on his sandboard, then bashes his body on sand mountain in pieces. The red word "DEAD" flashes, also making a ¨death¨ sound effect]
[The screen zooms out, revealing that the actual Patrick is only playing a video game with his character while sandboarding down Sand Mountain.]
Patrick: Aww, I got dead again! This game stinks! [hits a rock and screams again while flying, then bashes his body in pieces on sand mountain just like on his video game]
Sandy: See? That's why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
SpongeBob: I'm listening to you, mountain! [starts sandboarding, and he passes by Patrick's legs] Don't eat the yellow sand, Patrick!
Patrick: Oh, yeah, I forgot! [eats yellow sand on a plate]
SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, watch me do the "Grouchy Squidward!"
Squidward: [sits at a table drinking tea close to the mountain] Stop naming moves after me!
SpongeBob: [imitating Squidward] "Everybody's an idiot except for me."
Squidward: Well, it's true. [takes a sip]
[SpongeBob laughs like Squidward; Sandy and Patrick laugh with him.]
Sandy: [stops laughing and gasps] SpongeBob! Look out for that tree!
SpongeBob: [stops laughing like Squidward] Huh? [avoids tree with scuba diving gear on it; looks behind him without paying attention] Don't worry, guys, everything is under control, 'cause I'm an... [hits a log and he goes off the mountain] Expert...! [suddenly stops in mid-air] Huh, that's funny. Someone turned the mountain upside down. [camera reveals that SpongeBob is upside down and not the mountain and he screams as he falls]
Sandy: SpongeBob! Land on your bottom! It'll cushion the impact of the fall!
SpongeBob: [makes himself right-side up and he takes off his pants] Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Don't you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until 4.
[SpongeBob crashes into the ground and his bottom breaks into tiny pieces.]
Sandy: Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
Patrick: Do it again! I wasn't looking!
[Cuts to the doctor's office.]
Doctorfish: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
SpongeBob: My what has a what now?
Doctorfish: Your butt's all better. It's really quite amazing; [turns on an X-ray] it took twenty hours to put it all back together. [holds a stapler] We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick. [holds a glue stick] Yep, you're a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck boy. But from now on, I'd like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there [points to where the fish is. We see Tom and his butt is in a giant machine] in the Iron Butt.
Tom: [in the Iron Butt] Aww, man, it itches.
SpongeBob: [outside hospital] You heard the doctor, SpongeBob. One more injury like that, then it's the Iron Butt. I've been too careless back there. From now on, I am on round-the-clock butt patrol. [sees Harold behind him] Hep, hep, hep! Stay away from the backside! I'm warning you!
Harold: What's your problem? [leaves SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Whew. That was close.
Football Player: Hey, SpongeBob, why don't you join us? We need an extra player. [another football player catches a football] Nice catch, Percy! [slaps Percy's bottom. SpongeBob cringes as he holds his butt]
Jimmy: Hey, SpongeBob! [SpongeBob screams as he turns around, while holding his butt] You've gotta try this, dude! We finally got enough people for a seven-mile spanking machine! [crawls between people's legs, who each take turns spanking his butt] Ha, ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Martin: Next.
SpongeBob: No! [screams as he runs off. Everybody looks at him]
Squidward: Is this where the line starts?
SpongeBob: My butt is not safe out here! [runs inside his house and closes the door] No part of me is safe! [closes the window curtain]
[Patrick and Sandy return from another trip from Sand Mountain.]
Sandy: Yeah. Ride 'em, cowboy! [Patrick starts laughing as they enter SpongeBob's house] Hey, SpongeBob!
Patrick: [is still laughing while riding on Sandy's back; Sandy glares at him and he gets off her back as well as clearing his throat afterwards] That was fun. [stops smiling]
Sandy: [Patrick smiles again] Hey, SpongeBob, you ready to go sandboarding again? SpongeBob?
[SpongeBob is sitting in a fetal position in the middle of the floor, with a penny, a potato chip, and a wadded-up napkin lying on the floor in front of him.]
SpongeBob: [with a little smile on his face] Hello, friends. Enjoying the outside world?
Sandy: Whatcha all doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?
SpongeBob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life, in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that it's dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm a survivor. And so I simply decided that I'm never leaving my house again.
Sandy: That's crazy talk!
Patrick: That's not crazy talk. This is crazy talk. [does various forms of gibberish blabbing, but his third blabbing makes his saliva hit Sandy, making her pound him to shush him, bashing his head into his body] Sorry.
SpongeBob: No, Patrick's right, Sandy. You saw what happened and next time it won't just be my butt. It'll be my armpit or my forehead.
Patrick: Or your other armpit!
SpongeBob: I was wrong to go against nature. I'm a sponge. What was I thinking? Walking... My people are sedentary.
Sandy: Just sitting in your house? Ain't you gonna get lonesome?
SpongeBob: I won't be lonesome. I've got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny... [holds up a penny] and Chip... [holds up a potato chip] and say, "hello" to Used Napkin. [holds up a used napkin]
Sandy: Well, how are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
SpongeBob: No problem! [grabs the end of a spatula, which is so long it stretches all the way inside the Krusty Krab] A really long spatula. [flips a patty with the aforementioned really long spatula]
Sandy: What about eatin'?
SpongeBob: I'm a sponge, I'll just filter-feed. [gasps and breathes in an odd way]
Sandy: SpongeBob, sooner or later, you're gonna have to go outside!
SpongeBob: Listen, I've told you, but I'm never leaving my house again!
Patrick: Never ever?
SpongeBob: Never ever ever!
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever for never ever?!
SpongeBob: Never ever never never ever ever never!
Patrick: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever?!
SpongeBob: [sighs exasperatedly] Never ever...
SpongeBob and Patrick: Never never never never ever never ever never...
SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick, that is enough! Chip, would you mind showing these two to the door? [throws Chip to the door, opening it, and Patrick and an angry Sandy leave]
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. [closes the door. Outside, Sandy is still glaring at SpongeBob] I guess I'll have to find a new best friend. Hey, Squidward!
Squidward: [pops out of his window] No! [slams his window shut]
Patrick: Aww!
Sandy: Don't worry, Patrick. We'll get SpongeBob to come outside, and then he'll see there's nothing to be afraid of.
Patrick: And that's when I... [holds a boxing glove] ...punch him, right? [Sandy gives a bummed look. Patrick and Sandy are jellyfishing outside SpongeBob's house]
Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad SpongeBob is missing out on all the fun!
Patrick: [catches a jellyfish] I caught one! [puts head in net and his jellyfish sticks to his face] Huh?
SpongeBob: [Patrick gets electrocuted in the background, making him scream in pain] Look at those fools. Risking their lives, jellyfishing. My new hobby is much safer, isn't it, Chip? Dust collecting. [puts on a pair of glasses and a tiny net and waves it in the air] I think I caught one!
Sandy: We've got to try something else!
[Patrick and Sandy are holding a cake in front of SpongeBob's house.]
Sandy and Patrick: ♪Three cheers on your birthday, SpongeBob! Three cheers for you!♪
Sandy: Now you got to blow out the candles and make a wish.
Spong